Are You Avoiding Relationships Because of Fear Of Engulfment?

A common relationship fear is the fear of abandonment. It ruins self-esteem and creates unhealthy dependency. But for some of us, the fear of abandonment is a little more complicated.

The fear of engulfment.

This feels suffocating and like is based on the belief that anyone we let in close to us will end up controlling us and our sense of self. It is a belief generated in childhood and feels like being put in a glass jar, left on a shelf, and picked up when the person needs us.

Losing a sense of self and autonomy feels like drowning. It comes with the heartbreaking belief that if we let someone close; we need to stop being ourselves and, god forbid, we express any needs, because we will eventually get abandoned, anyway.

It is a deep-seated grief of not being seen and acknowledged. It is common if we grew up with parents who take up more space in our lives for various reasons, so there was none left for us.

These are children who ended up being parents to their parents.

I know asking for help is hard, but it is a step in the right direction.

I know the pain of feeling tired and waiting for the other shoe to drop. The resentment when becoming a caregiver in a relationship, but also the need to be one because how else can we get a sense of self? It is the only way we have learned to feel valuable.

The panic and dread that sets in when someone has a very controlling personality, but also the debilitating freeze state experienced when it happens. It is like living as a deer in headlights constantly.

Learning how to create a healthy friendship before it becomes a romantic partnership, is imperative. So is, learning about our needs and, finding the courage to meet them no matter how tired we are.

There is a way to have ourselves and also other people as well. We need to break the traumatic bond we most probably had with a parent or both, so we can learn safe attachment and give safe people a chance.

When we meet someone who feels at home, and we believe it's love, we need to stop and ask ourselves, how was home, really?

Remember that no one ever has to accept being in any kind of abusive relationship.

As adults, we have the right to choose our relationships.

We possess immense personal power that is waiting to be explored. We can work through our patterns and be with people who provide us with space, allowing us to share our hardships as partners rather than as caregivers.

Through the healing process, we can come to understand that our parents carried their own deeply rooted, unresolved traumas, which unfortunately impacted us. We did what we thought was necessary to stay safe, and it is completely normal to feel resentful, angry, and heartbroken as we process these emotions.

What I want to convey is that there is another way to live. With small steps, proper healing, self-awareness, courage, and support, we can break free from our attachment styles and regain a sense of safety within our own bodies.