How to Get Out of Resistance as an Avoidant in Relationships

Relationships are tough at times. Some of us fear abandonment so we cling to it tightly, some of us fear engulfment, so we tend to keep people at a distance to try to stay safe.

The issue is none of these approaches work. They are a strategy we learned due to our attachment styles but also as a response to our fears regarding relating to others.

If we struggle with avoiding yet want to heal this pattern and make relationships work, we can learn effective, compassionate communication and be the ones to take initiative.

The thing with feeling engulfed is feeling out of control and that someone else is in power over us. These are fear-based beliefs formed in childhood that were perpetuated through adulthood. We both attract what we want and mostly what we fear the most. This is good news because we get a chance to heal it and thus change it.

When we are the ones taking initiative, we feel more empowered. We have both reached out and not avoided something, but we also get to manage our time and set boundaries.

We can, for example, ask someone out on a date. If we are the ones doing the planning, we can manage the plans better and feel more free about the process. And I mean this in a positive sense.

We might suggest to the other person that we are free at a certain time, this makes it more manageable because we know when our window for leaving is. But it also opens up space for more connection with the other person.

We fear people want more from us than we are willing to give. By taking the initiative, we show ourselves that something as simple as a coffee date and a walk for two hours is more than enough to get closer to someone. We also learn that we have to be willing to give some to build relationships.

Slowly but surely our beliefs can be proven wrong. We get to feel more comfortable in our relationships and will feel much more relaxed since we are out of resistance.

Slowly but surely, our beliefs can be proven wrong. We will feel more comfortable in our relationships and much more relaxed since we are free of resistance.

Both avoidant behaviour and anxious behaviour are major resistance strategies. We all want connection and closeness but through these extreme patterns, we will certainly be pushing it away.

If we are aware of our patterns and behaviours we can always take baby steps each day to change them.

If we know to be avoidant, trust me we will attract very anxiously attached people and the more excess we are in our pattern, the more they will be as well.

When we learn to eat from each other's cakes, that is, adopting more of what we seem to lack, we can find a good middle ground.