The Dating Game and All Its Blindspots

If our self-esteem isn't high, we start to think that a person who might not be right for us is "the one"

When we date someone, it's easy to fall into many blind spots due to our need for significance and our deep desires to partner with someone and, well, to be desired. If our self-esteem isn't high, we start to think that a person who might not be right for us is "the one".

We have been conditioned to please, and many times, we are taught to think about how to make our date like us. What can we do to make sure we tick all the boxes?

But it is times we start to balance this out and ask ourselves, "Do I like the person I am dating? Are they ticking my boxes?" Not in an entitled way, of course. It is about building self-respect and our sense of self-worth.

If we become aware of our wounds and fear-based beliefs, we might see patterns clearer. Both our own and other people's.

We can become aware of when we feel desperate for a person's attention because the pain of insignificance is aching; we can decide either to communicate or find that this person was only there to mirror the wound so we can heal it further.

This is a practice that requires commitment.

We all have a fantasy and vision of how our dream relationship would look like; we risk assigning the part to whomever we date too early.

If we do this, we tend to miss a lot of red flags that we think will magically disappear. This is dangerous territory. It also shouldn't be a show where we do our best to appear perfect to be loved. None of this is a solid foundation for a healthy relationship.

We decide what energy we bring into our lives. We also decide what energy we put out. So I feel it is crucial to have integrity when dating and be the type of person we would like to date.

Meaning, that if we don't like being ghosted, we can choose to communicate clearly and end things instead of disappearing. If we want to be considered, we can be the ones taking a genuine interest in other people. If we value kindness, we can choose to be kind. And the list goes on.

Sitting with ourselves to resolve our inner conflicts and become aware of the energy we are projecting puts us in the power to choose from a place of authenticity and maturity. When we only react to our fear responses without examining them, we are making choices to avoid the fear, and unfortunately, we create more fear.

Dating takes time and effort. When we have been doing it for a while, it can start to feel more like a chore than something fun. That could be a sign to take a step back and try again later on.

We won't miss the train, I promise. Our person is out there somewhere equally lost and tired; we will meet eventually but we can't rush the process.But don't take this to mean that "the right person" won't take dedication and work. The right person simply means someone we have a connection with, good chemistry, and compatibility. Topped off with a big dose of commitment.

Chasing is not dating, and dating isn't a job interview. Being with someone who makes time and room for us is mature and what we deserve. Being the one making time and effort is a part of building our self-esteem and integrity.