Why Is Communicating So Hard?

We spend too much time trying to figure each other out and not enough time communicating. We've heard it so many times throughout life that it has almost become a cliche: communication is the cornerstone of every successful relationship. It is the path to happiness and order in the workplace, resolving conflicts and fostering compassion, to name a few.

There's truth to this: communicating our needs and wants makes it much easier for others and ourselves. If I need something from you, instead of passively trying to get you to figure out what I want, I can simply find the right words to tell you directly.

This is not to say this is simple—it's not, as it's not taught in schools. Most parents are terrible at communicating, leaving us clueless about identifying our feelings and needs, let alone communicating them effectively.

However, we can learn proper communication.

For many, confrontation is scary, while others fear appearing "needy" or too direct. Some believe that if someone loves us, they should automatically know what we need. But that's not possible, as no one is a mind reader.

Many of us fear being vulnerable. For instance, imagine feeling anger, but upon reflection, realizing that beneath the anger lies a deep sense of hurt for various reasons.

In this scenario, we can find a way to express ourselves, such as saying, 'I felt hurt when you didn't invite me to dinner, which made me feel left out and unwanted.' However, for those who fear vulnerability, this process can be incredibly daunting.

If we find it easier to write it down than say it to someone's face, that is perfectly okay. We might be better communicators in the written form and slowly we can learn to talk face to face. Or not. But the important thing is that we have said what we needed to say.

We need to be kind to ourselves and recognize that learning anything takes time, patience, and a willingness to persevere.

By practising a little at a time, we can become more comfortable with our emotions and needs. The more we get to know ourselves and work on healing, the easier it becomes to communicate.

When speaking from an "I" perspective, like the example above, we give the other person a chance to cultivate compassion for our experience.

Too often, we end up attacking each other, leaving no space for compassion, only battle.

Too often, we end up attacking each other, leaving no space for compassion, only battle. And remember, in a battle, it is every person for themselves — the aim is to hurt the other and protect ourselves.

It's about time we lay down the weapons and start communicating. Many relationships would improve, and who knows, maybe the world would be a little kinder.